I DONT KNOW whether you’re just not giving me anything or if I can’t see what you are giving me. I DONT KNOW if I deserve better than this for the amount of energy i am exerting into this. I DONT KNOW if i have feelings for someone else or if i want to have feelings for someone else. I DONT KNOW what i should be doing or not doing to make myself AND YOU happy. I DONT KNOW how to be in this relationship that feels so foreign to me.
i know that i love you. i know i do. i know i do. i know i do. i know i do. i know i do. i know i do. i know i do. for some reason and I don’t know who’s fault that is, I don’t believe you do anymore. I can’t bring myself to believe you. I used to feel like we were the tide and every time you would take a sip of me, you would pour yourself back in. but now i feel like i am drowning you and you aren’t flowing back anymore. I can’t make you flow back. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make you give me anything. I can’t make you want to give me anything. But I want you so bad. I want you to be enough. I want just knowing that i am with you to be enough. Maybe I’m the one that needs time to think and to grow. You are much more self sufficient than I am. I am dependent on your love. It’s making me sick. It’s making us sick. Fuck I miss you
well now i know what it would be like if we were married hahahahahakjdjskjdksjdskjdksdjsd i hate myself
I am sad and I don’t know why. I am feel more alone than I have ever been but I have more friends at this point in my life than I ever have. I feel hopeless and lost but I am busy and in the midst of multiple projects. Maybe I am lazy and ungrateful. Maybe I am terrified to try. at anything. to believe in anything. to trust in anyone. there is a strength in vulnerability that i have forgotten about. I’ve been trying to protect myself too much. maybe that rush of terror when you’re standing on the edge of the cliff is what i need right now. maybe i need to look down.